Dagoth Ur's Illegal Property
by Green Capricorn
Summary: Have you ever questioned yourself why it's called the "Sixth House"? Dagoth Ur refuses to pay taxes on his new house and three battling taxmen are sent on a quest to find him and meke him to pay...
1. The House and Three Heroes

**Do you know why it's called the "Sixth House"? This story has some characteristics of a parody, but it also follows the Main Quest of the game. I hope you'll enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own game characters, only those 4-5 I created.**

_**Dagoth Ur's Illegal Property**_

Everything was calm and sweet in Morrowind.

It was a period of peace in the land of the Dumner, the cities were wealthy, the Great Houses were strangely in agreement…Well, everyone was happy. Everyone but one.

His name was Dagoth Ur.

He was called "the evil mastermind", "the Devil" or "the Enemy". Why? One day he was in a bad mood and he didn't do anything special or bad…he only began to spread the Blight from the top of the Red Mountain…

But why he was so enraged? No one dared to ask him the reason.

Have you ever tried to live on the top of a volcano? He lived in a citadel of Dwemer Ruins near the crater of the Red Mountain. The citadel had the very original name of Dagoth Ur (he was a little bit egocentric).

His home was a _real disaster_: hot (ok, having pools of lava in your house in winter it's acceptable, but in summer…), dusty, rusty, noisy (due to the Dwemer machines that never stopped to work) and with a precarious lighting system!

And so, a day of spring, Dagoth Ur decided to create a Sixth House. Not the secret cult, a building. He already had five others houses all around Morrowind and the taxes of the sixth were awfully high. So when he received a letter from the Census and Excise Office of Seyda Neen he simply decided to not pay (after all he was a living god).

This is where the story begins.

"That Dagoth Ur is a criminal! He doesn't want to pay!" cried Socucius Ergalla.

"What?" asked the imperial guard in the Office.

"He refuses to pay the taxes of his Sixth House. All the taxmen I've sent to him have returned diseased, half dead, without the money or haven't returned!"

"It's a problem…"

"You are very perceptive!"

"Excuse me, boss…Do you have any ideas?"

"Hum…perhaps I know who could do this. I know exactly who can do it!"

Four days later a boat arrived from Cyrodiil carrying the three best taxmen of Vanderfell: Virien, Darthel and Luril. They weren't exactly what you call "boring people".

Virien was a dark elf. She was beautiful in her way, she had two brown eyes, her skin was green-blue and she whore black hair. She was expert in long blade skill and her weapon was a dangerous daedric claymore that she usually showed (it was enough) to those who wouldn't pay taxes. She wasn't very good with spells so she preferred to battle with her beloved sword.

When she arrived to Seyda Neen she was wearing a purple robe with golden decorations…nobody suspected that under her clothes she wore also a glass armour.

Darthel was an Altmer. He was always slow, meditative and calm…obviously when he wasn't enraged. He had brown hair and green eyes, he was taller than Virien (of course) and he was a good speaker, very polite and gentle. People were often enchanted by his voice. He was a good fighter (he used silver staves…silver was fashionable) and he was the one who carried scrolls, quills, potion ingredients, maps and so on.

He arrived to Morrowind with elegant silk clothes…completely unaware of what he was going to have to do…

Luril was an high elf too. He was one of the best spellcasters of Vanderfell and one of the vainest person in the world. To him a mirror meant a pause to watch himself. He liked his blue eyes, he liked his golden skin, he liked his personality…briefly, he liked everything of himself.

The three were greeted by Ergalla who first covered them of compliments and then he threw them out of the Offices with a quest: find Dagoth Ur and make him pay.

Luril looked at the dusty road.

"From where we begin?"

"Ergalla said to go to Balmora city and then ask there information about Dagoth…Iur." Said Darthel.

"If we must…" said Luril and began to walk with Darthel.

"Guys," said Virien "Balmora is in _this _direction…"

"What? Ehm…of course!"

"It's gonna be a long journey…"


	2. Balmora News

_Chapter 2_

The three walked through Seyda Neen until they reached the Silt Stider.

"It's an enormous flea!" said Luril.

"It's one of the few transport means here in Morrowind, if you don't want to take it you can always walk to Balmora among rocks, strange beasts, bandits, dust, cliff racers…" begun Virien.

"Ok, I come…"

The taxmen got on with difficulty (they were squeezed like sardines) and Silt Strider begun to move.

"I have a question…" said Darthel "What are we going to do in Balmora?"

"Well…we'll first stop at the Mages Guild and ask information about a certain Caius Cosades who will be able to say us something about Dagoth Ur's six houses…or five, I don't know."

The Strider arrived to Balmora in the evening. The sky was purple and a gentle breeze was flowing through Virien's hair. The city was big but also empty.

"There isn't anybody here…"

The three descended the stairs of the Silt Strider and reached the door of the Mages Guild.

They were greeted by an intense incense scent and robbed people that looked them with superiority.

The taxmen said only "Good evening" and were immediately stuffed with enchanted scrolls of all sort, useless bottles of potions and more useless books.

Luril asked about Caius Cosades to an altmer mage and had to buy a _Scroll of Summon Silver Saint_ (those of _Golden Saints _were finished) to know that he lived almost next door.

The sun was setting when they arrived to Caius' home, they knocked on the door that was opened by a recently released slave that joined few minutes before the Blades.

"Yes?"

"Good evening, we are looking for mister Cosades."

"Can I ask you why?"

"Well, we must speak with him…now."

"And about what?" asked the freed slave blocking the entrance.

"Dear…" begun Virien with a sweet voice "If you don't let us enter _immediately _I'll make you regret to be born!"

Virien knew how to be convincing.

The taxmen entered the house: it was filled by a white smoke and a strange smell. They found Caius (half naked and half conscious) playing with a soul gem on a bed.

"Who's there?" he asked with a dreaming voice.

"We are of the Census and Excise Office of…"

"Ehm…wait a moment please. Nerverine, can you go to the Fighters Guild to speak with Antabolis?"

"Of course, boss." replied the freed slave and exited the house.

"He's strange that one…" mumbled Darthel.

"So, can I help you?"

"I hope you can tell us something about Dagoth Ur's Houses…"

Caius whitened, coughed, mumbled, coughed and mumbled again.

"So?"

"Well, you know why we call him the Devil, right?"

"No."

Caius begun to tell a very prolix story…

_Dagoth Ur _wasn't only a tax evader, he had been (in the past) the "reliable companion" of Lord Nerevar Indoril (or _Idronil_, big producer of pills against stomach-ache). Nerevar was also a famous hero and the head of the Tribunal, composed by Vivec, Almalexia and Sotha Sil. After a not important war they found the Heart of Lorkhan and the divine tools "Kinig" and "Sondar". Nerevar left them to Dagoth at the Red Mountains for a certain time. Obviously when he came back with the others to destroy the tools he was attacked by an army of Corprus beasts commanded by Dagoth Ur (who thought that they were a gift and he could became a god if he wished). The Tribunal won the scuffle (although the Corprus beasts outnumbered them of 200 to 1). During the battle the only one to die was Nerevar and Dagoth Ur escaped. Almalexia and the others thought that was a bad idea to throw away the Heart and decided to make themselves immortal, breaking the vow made to the goddess "Axura" who changed the aesthetic aspect of the Chimer…who became Dumner…the ones that hadn't amything to do with all the story.

After that Dagoth Ur took back the Heart and retired in the Red Mountain…his fifth house.

"Ah, ah?" yawned Luril.

"A very interesting story…but, I can I say it? Where's he now?" shouted Virien.

"Perhaps in one of his five houses."

"Do you know where are those houses?" asked without patience Luril.

"Uhm…no, but I know where's his first house."

Silence. Caius looked the wall.

"You can tell us."

"What? Ehm…of course, the house name is _Ilunibi_."


	3. Ilunibi, the first house

_Chapter 3_

The three (taking different transport means such as Silt Striders and sinking boats) landed, four days after, in the village of Graar Mok. They asked where Ilunibi was and the frightened locals directed them to a tiny islet north of town, reached by a series of wooden, rotten, broken, planks.

All around there were mosquitos, salty green water, creeping plants, putrid mushrooms and black lianas hanging from old trees.

"Uhm, it's a very…sweet place." said Darthel.

"Sweet? It's so marshy and sticky! My shoes are all dirty of this damned green mud!" shouted Luril.

Ilunibi's entrance was marked by a big grey rock in which the door was stuck in.

Miriam stopped in front of the door of the not welcoming residence.

"And now?" asked Luril.

"We enter without delays breaking the door and we kick those who are in to gather the information about Dagoth Ur!" said Miriam.

"And if we knocked? It would be more polite."

While the tow were leading that exalting conversation, from behind a tree appeared a representative of the local fauna: a blighted Cliff Racer. The creature directed towards the group with ominous intentions.

Miriam and Luril screamed and entered Ilunibi while Darthel yawned and decided to face the "terrible flying beast". Useless to say that the "terrible" died immediately in the moment that Darthel's blade hit it…or better, completely pierced it.

While this happened the Dumner and the Altmer got lost in Ilunibi's rock and water maze.

Ilunibi was a cave. A gloomy, damp and slippery cave.

"Who would live here? Not a secret that Dagoth Ur built other houses!" commented Luril walking.

"Is there anybody?" asked Miriam shouting that words.

Her voice's echo travelled through the space and lost beneath the rocks columns.

The two advanced in the cave and noticed that it was lighted up by red candles that made the place very ambiguous and equivocal.

Miriam's suspects about the real nature of the place hardened when they encountered Dagoth Ur's servants: half naked and dressed with only a fur slip! They were called "Dreamers" (and they usually slept at least 14 hours per day).

Well, Miriam and Luril ran into two of these strange characters.

"Good morning…" began Miriam.

"Good afternoon…" said Luril.

"Anyway, we are here to speak with the owner of the house about something concerning mister Ur's taxes. Is it possible?"

The Dreamers' answer was taking out their weapons and attacking the taxmen.

"Well, saying _no _could have been simpler!" commented Miriam facing the enemies with her katana.

She was preparing to unleash the attack when something orange behind her exploded knocking out the Dreamers and making her tumble. Luril had cast a Great Fireball…destroying anything that was on her path.

"Luril!" shouted Miriam "I'd like that you inform me before casting spells!"

Luril was there contemplating his work.

"Uhm…okay…But it was a wonderful Fire Ball, wasn't it?"

Miriam stood up and admitted "Yes…"

Darthel had taken a shortcut without even knowing it. He was walking in the dark and on an height rock track and down there were his companions, but he didn't saw them.

The three wandered in the cave crossing each other at least five times…but without noticing.

Finally Miriam and Luril reached a door in the final part of Ilunibi (meeting some other Dreamers…but they were sleeping…and dreaming).

"Well, this time we're going to knock!" said Luril and he did what he said.

A worrying _Who's there? _Came from behind the door.

The two entered a dark room lightened by that strange red candles. In the middle there was a strange green-grey creature, dressed with old clothes and a strange thing on its head.

"I am Dagoth Gares, Dagoth Ur's servant. Who are you and why are you here? You have sixty seconds to answer before I kill you all." Dagoth Gares said that with a slow and annoying voice.

"These are what I call _words of kind and warm welcome_…" said Luril.

"Where is Dagoth Ur?"

"Why do you want to know it?"

"He has not paid taxes on his sixth house and we are here to…"

"Fools."

"What?"

"Fools, I said. Do you really think that my Lord minds about that low problems and is going to care about silly things like that?"

"If you knew how much he as to pay you wouldn't call it _silly_…"

"What's the location of Dagoth Ur's other houses?"

"Well, I have here a map showing the exact location, but sixty seconds have passed and I fear you'll have to die now."

Dagoth Gares prepared to fight and shiny sparkles came from his hands when he heard something like _Yaaaaaaaaaah! _coming from the ceiling and then nothing.

Darthel landed on his head with a rock slide from above.

"Darthel?"

Darthel was floundering between the rocks and after some time he said "Yes, I was walking in the cave and the pavement subsided and…well, now I'm here on that poor man…"

"Oh, it's not so serious, don't mind." said Miriam.

Luril found the map and after a hour they were out of Ilunibi (they were attacked by another Cliff Racer that had the same end of his previous companion).

Darthel uncoiled the old and wet map. There were written few words.

_Where to send Lord Ur's birthday best wishes_:

_Ilunibi (near Gnaar Mok) _

_Sadrith Mora _

_A manor in Ald'rhun _

_Vivec, Foreign Quarter_

_Dagoth Ur (Red Mountain)_

_Sixth House (location under deciding)_

"Dagoth Ur has an house in Vivec city?" asked Darthel.

"And in Ald'rhun?" said Luril.

"And nobody told us?" commented Miriam.

The three sat on near the marsh.

"We have at least three houses to find. If we do this together the thing can take weeks…" mumbled Darthel.

"What do you advise?"

"We could part and look for the houses alone. Then, we'll meet after some days in a decided place."

"Each one of us will look for a specific house?" asked Miriam.

"That's what I propose."

A grave silence fell then Luril jumped shouting "Okay, I go to Sadrith Mora!"

"No, Sadrith Mora is mine!" said Miriam.

"Too late, my dear."

"No, no, no. You are an Altmer, and Altmers are not welcome there. I'll go!"

"We play paper, scissor, rock!"

Like two children the two played and Miriam won.

"Darn…I'll go to Ald'rhun then!" snorted Luril.

"Okay, I choose Vivec!" said Darthel.


End file.
